stave

So though you will never read this, I just have to get a couple things off my [enormous]chest. lMFAO. But honestly, I just want to know why? I think about it daily and I hate that fact that you still cross my mind. Sometimes I wonder if you're aware of how you make me feel? But then again, it's like sometimes I wonder if you actually care? I don't know what happened and all I would like from you is an answer. No matter how blunt, or mean. Or even if it would make me cry ; just not knowing the reason for all of this hurts. So I guess until I get the courage to do it in person, here, I will ask you why. Why? The hardest question to answer known to mankind. 3 letters that make up a question filled wit unknown answers. Why now if not before? Or why hide your feeling now when you've had no problem expressing them in the past? Why say "delete my number" but then call me in a matter of day's? Why say "i love you" then prove to me you mean the exact opposite. 89 pages. Don't know|understand what that means. 89 pages are filled with thoughts of you. Starting from Sunday, Nov2 to Monday, Nov24. 89 FUCKING PAGES, filled with mixed emotions towards you. I guess somewhere in those 89 pages something changed? Just tell me what, and then all of this will be done with. Though you don't even know what's really going on. And that's all I want from you ; is to fucking understand what you're putting me through. Like honestly, do you really even know? Because if you think ignoring me makes what ever you're trying to push aside go away or get any better - IT DOESN'T!. It makes it fucking worse, because it's like you don't even care enough about it, like you don't care enough about me? Because that is all I want from you. Tell me you hate me the way I know you do. Let me know that you can't fucking stand the sight of me & how every time I see you with her that makes your day - because you know that eats me alive. All I want from you is the truth. No more do I want your love ; been there, done that. And you obviously don't deserve my friendship, though that's what I've been aiming for all along. All I want from you is to answer my question why? Like do you actually think it's fair, what you're doing to me I mean. How one day you'll decide to act like we've been good from the jump, to hating me with a passion? Or for you to tell me that you haven't said "I love you" in a looooooooooong time ; then come out of nowhere - type those 3 words- those three words I've been dying to hear ; then press send? That's not fair. Who are you to decide when we are what we are. Why do you get to chose when we're good again? Thursday, Dec.4, we're not good. Haven't been for along time now. But then again, it's like from my memory, iloveyou ? that was said nov8? Well, god i love how your choice of words can change in a matter of days. Bur hey, I guess I can't blame you. Because I mean like, you don't say shit like that just for your own pleasure right? And c'mon now, you just don't randomly call because they don't wanna talk to me right? I mean, idk - this one is all on you. So I'm thinking you should help me out. Because if I was wrong about all that, then why even bother. If I were to ask that question you'd probably be like "that's why I don't talk to you now, duh?" or "that's the reason I deleted|blocked all your shit birch!" haha. Idk about you mayne. Because I can say soo much more shit then I can act on. I can go on about how I don't care, or how I wont let shit get the best of me, but that's a lie - a bad one at that. Because all it takes is one look from you in the hall way, and all that goes away. & just like that I'm back to the fucking tears. Wishing I could do over what ever I did to make you hate me. Or just wishing that sooner than later you'll realzie that you really are fuckin hurting me and that shit's cutting me deep. Nov8, 2008 - i read those 3 words that once meant everything to me. Those 8 letters that I died to hear. Now, all I can hope for is to stop receving these two words. Those 8 letters that fucking hurt the most. Iloveyou is 8 letters, but baby so is BULLSHIT. Because when it comes down to it, all I want to know is what happened between us? I wanna know what I did to make you feel this way towards me - to feel nothing towards me? And honestly, all I want to know is why? So she'll write what she's feeling because of those times you've made her feel it wasnt worth saying. <3

Hello World

So I'm guessing this is the start of my blog? I wish i knew what blog stood for, but I know that people write a blog so I guess that's all that matters. So I'm here to let whom ever maybe reading this how i feel..

I was going to begin this after i finished my journal, but that didn't work out as much as I planned. Basically what I was going to do was every entry in my journal I was going to make a blog re-writing it. There wasn't much of a reason for doing so, but just to keep, well I guess, my journal online as well. A friend of mine told me that when she has something to say she'll write it down, or write a letter. Then afterwards burn it, letting those negative feelings go away and be set free. When she told me that it really did make alot of sense to me. That was also another reason why I decided to do this earlier than planned. Because I am thinking about after finishing my journal, burning it. Like I guess to let all the negativity in that book free. But then again it's like if I plan on burning it, why have it on the internet as well!? lol, idk. I guess I'm just weird like that. So I guess [gosh i say that a l o t] that before i start to let whom ever you are into my world, you should know a little about who you are reading about ; more like what actualy. Basically, my journal is filled with a lot of emotional things that I rarley tend to let out to other people. But then again if that's the case why should I post it now? Idk, I guess a "regular" journal was too bottled up? fer me. So yeah, I'm not writing for any body to feel sympathy, just to let who ever would like to know how I'm feeling. So later tonight, or sometime tomorrow I will begin to let the out side world into my own. & So she'll write what she's feeling because of those times you've made her feel it wasn't worth saying. <3